Years ago I knew a guy from Auburn who was calling me to invite me on a trip to a strip club. I missed the call. At the time I had a joke voicemail greeting that asked callers to state the nature of their business or something like that. The voicemail from him about the strip club jaunt started with him shouting the following phrase into the phone:
YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING BOUT NO GODDAM BUSINESS!
He was all hopped up on vanilla-flavored cigarettes at the time, but the sentiment was valid. I knew nothing bout no goddam business and I was holding up our thirty minute drive to the land of lap dances, which will infuriate any red blooded American boy.
Now I am the one who’s fed up. I have reached my wits end with these dime-a-dozen chic bands. Everybody’s “Americana” and they all boast in their press kits how they are “whiskey soaked” or their music is “whiskey fueled”. You don’t give a crap bout America and
YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING BOUT NO GODDAM WHISKEY!!!!
I have plenty of songs that revolve around whiskey (“Women & Whiskey” and “Touch of the Bourbon” come to mind). That is because while all of you were off at music school, I was mopping floors to buy Black Velvet every weekend; it’s one of the few things I know about. Now you leisurely sip Knob Creek after your shows and think yourself whiskey drinkers (that ain’t the only knob you’re polishing off, either).
Let me put something into perspective. I am signed by a production company made up of four Auburn people that don’t even spell “Extreme” right in their legal name, and yet they have more class than to promote me as ‘whiskey’ anything. We once lost an intern because I heard he was going straight edge and I made him pound a bottle of Evan Williams on stage one night and everybody freaked out and wanted to call the hospital and that. Yet somehow my press kit doesn’t mention that my music is “inspired by whiskey” because it is a stupid and hack thing to do. My first album was called Spilled Brews & Busted Stools because that is literally what happened during recording: we broke the stool I was sitting on and spilled a bunch of beer everywhere.
This is the set of our television show:
All that booze (including the whiskey in our hot little hands) is how we are paid. That is right, our only compensation from AXE for The Great All-American Revival Show is they stock a bar on the set. How foolish of me to not mention in our ads that we are “fueled by whiskey”, oh wait, I’m not an idiot desperately looking to be cool on the internet.
Drinking whiskey doesn’t make you cool, it’s just a thing you do because you do it. When you try to co-opt an identity from it, you are sad and probably don’t know how to drink.
That is another fact of all these trendy bands today: they don’t know how to drink. We recently opened for a fancy band and we were sharing a green room with them. We had the fridge stocked with Utica Clubs and they sauntered in with wine, city boy liquor, and (Lord help me) hard cider. We get off stage and they had unboxed all our UC’s to make room for their stuff (nbd), but lined them up on the door of the fridge upside down–like they were in distress or something.
That is right, ladies and gentlemen, these fancy bands these days are so out of touch they don’t even know what direction cans of beer are supposed to go.
When I was coming up in this world I spent a lot of time with a lot of musicians whose lives were really run off the hootch. Just earlier today I was reminiscing about the times I spent with blues guitarist and general awesome-man Smokin’ Joe Jacobs, who took a touch of the bourbon like no other. So when I see these album releases from these clowns who describe their music in terms of the whiskey they drink, I just shake my smh.
The next band I hear brag about how “whiskey soaked” they are, I’ll actually soak in whiskey by pounding a fifth and booting all over them.