Be Careful What You Wish For

A man was walking on the beach and discovered a lamp.  He picked it up, splashed some water on it, and rubbed the sand off it.  To his surprise, a genie appeared.  The genie was grateful for being released and told the man he would grant him any one wish.  The man thought about it for a minute, then asked the genie for a twelve-inch dick.

He got his wish, just not the way he wanted.

Be careful what you wish for!

The Beatles

I was talking to a fan today and he asked me if I listen to The Beatles.  I told him I don’t really–they have a few good songs, but I don’t crazy over them.

He was straight up shocked.  I thought I was going to have to perform CPR (I would do chest compressions, but I wasn’t laying my lips on him no offense).  Luckily he didn’t have a coronary, but he said something to the effect of:  How can you make music and not like The Beatles?  They paved the way for modern music.

That old chestnut.  It’s not just The Beatles either, people throw it out there for Zeppelin, Dylan, Pink Floyd–the list goes on.  There’s this shared belief in the music community that all musicians have an obligation to like these bands, The Beatles in particular, because we somehow owe our livelihoods to them.

First of all, I’m pretty certain that The Beatles were not the origin of my music.  I am not sure who receives that dubious honor, but it’s definitely not The Beatles.

Regardless, it’s perfectly okay to like modern music and not care about The Beatles or Hendrix or the like.  Yes, many of these acts revolutionized music at the time and we are where we are today because of that series of events.  But it’s another thing entirely to say you have to like those acts just because they predated the music you like.

That’s like your buddy saying how much he likes his AK-47 and you saying:  If you like the AK, you should really love the blunderbuss or the the single-fire musket.  Without those guns you wouldn’t have your AK-47 today.

Or like your buddy saying how hot the girl he works with is and you saying: If you are attracted to the woman at work, you should really be attracted to neanderthal women or cavewomen because they paved the way for modern human women.

So if you like The Beatles, that’s cool.  If you don’t, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it.

 

Chernesky out.

 

Bands of the world: You don’t know nothing bout no goddam whiskey

Years ago I knew a guy from Auburn who was calling me to invite me on a trip to a strip club.  I missed the call.  At the time I had a joke voicemail greeting that asked callers to state the nature of their business or something like that.  The voicemail from him about the strip club jaunt started with him shouting the following phrase into the phone:

YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING BOUT NO GODDAM BUSINESS!

He was all hopped up on vanilla-flavored cigarettes at the time, but the sentiment was valid.  I knew nothing bout no goddam business and I was holding up our thirty minute drive to the land of lap dances, which will infuriate any red blooded American boy.

Now I am the one who’s fed up.  I have reached my wits end with these dime-a-dozen chic bands.  Everybody’s “Americana” and they all boast in their press kits how they are “whiskey soaked” or their music is “whiskey fueled”.  You don’t give a crap bout America and

YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING BOUT NO GODDAM WHISKEY!!!!

I have plenty of songs that revolve around whiskey (“Women & Whiskey” and “Touch of the Bourbon” come to mind).  That is because while all of you were off at music school, I was mopping floors to buy Black Velvet every weekend; it’s one of the few things I know about.  Now you leisurely sip Knob Creek after your shows and think yourself whiskey drinkers (that ain’t the only knob you’re polishing off, either).

Let me put something into perspective.  I am signed by a production company made up of four Auburn people that don’t even spell “Extreme” right in their legal name, and yet they have more class than to promote me as ‘whiskey’ anything.  We once lost an intern because I heard he was going straight edge and I made him pound a bottle of Evan Williams on stage one night and everybody freaked out and wanted to call the hospital and that.  Yet somehow my press kit doesn’t mention that my music is “inspired by whiskey” because it is a stupid and hack thing to do.  My first album was called Spilled Brews & Busted Stools because that is literally what happened during recording: we broke the stool I was sitting on and spilled a bunch of beer everywhere.

This is the set of our television show:

set pic

All that booze (including the whiskey in our hot little hands) is how we are paid.  That is right, our only compensation from AXE for The Great All-American Revival Show is they stock a bar on the set.  How foolish of me to not mention in our ads that we are “fueled by whiskey”, oh wait, I’m not an idiot desperately looking to be cool on the internet.

Drinking whiskey doesn’t make you cool, it’s just a thing you do because you do it.  When you try to co-opt an identity from it, you are sad and probably don’t know how to drink.

That is another fact of all these trendy bands today: they don’t know how to drink.  We recently opened for a fancy band and we were sharing a green room with them.  We had the fridge stocked with Utica Clubs and they sauntered in with wine, city boy liquor, and (Lord help me) hard cider.  We get off stage and they had unboxed all our UC’s to make room for their stuff (nbd), but lined them up on the door of the fridge upside down–like they were in distress or something.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen, these fancy bands these days are so out of touch they don’t even know what direction cans of beer are supposed to go.

When I was coming up in this world I spent a lot of time with a lot of musicians whose lives were really run off the hootch.  Just earlier today I was reminiscing about the times I spent with blues guitarist and general awesome-man Smokin’ Joe Jacobs, who took a touch of the bourbon like no other.  So when I see these album releases from these clowns who describe their music in terms of the whiskey they drink, I just shake my smh.

The next band I hear brag about how “whiskey soaked” they are, I’ll actually soak in whiskey by pounding a fifth and booting all over them.

Greatness out.

Composin’ like it’s my job…it actually might be

Recently I was asked to write the theme song for a podcast called “The XO Factor” as it’s being produced by our parent company, Auburn Xtreme Entertainment LLC.

It’s a podcast where some broad talks about the Buffalo Bills.  I’m a huge fan of the Buffalo Bills and a huge fan of broads in general, so logically it was right up my alley.

Yours greatly recorded the theme song and you can have a listen on the first episode here:

XO Factor – Episode 1

You might as well listen to the rest of it.  The “bold predictions” she makes for the Bills this season are mighty bold.  5-1 in the division and we sell out every home game?    Well I’d sure like to see that so I ain’t gonna say nothing to the contrary.

Chernesky out.

Season 2 Status

We were hoping to have Season 2 of “The Great All-American Revival” show presented by yours truly (in conjunction with Auburn Xtreme Entertainment LLC) drop sometime in April, however the set still isn’t ready.

Don’t worry, I ain’t been sittin on my hands these days.  We’ve been playing some live shows and booking more to fill the schedule while we wait for the bar construction to finish on the set.  It should be done by the end of May, so we’d start shooting in June and looking to release Season 2 sometime in July.  As I know more I will certainly post here.

If you are jonesin’ for more of this old American Wolf, then book yourself a live show!  We can do sets of any length, or I can come sing the national anthem to kick off your event.  Just shoot an email to booking@thegreat.tv and demand Greatness!

TGC out.